The Three Laws of Business

No freebies. No backsies. GTFO.

Never Would of Thought That I Would Rock Your Set

with 2 comments

Fuck you. You’ve probably done something stupid, and refused to learn from it. You’ve probably kicked in one of the many cognitive biases to defend a stupid decision you’ve made so you feel better. This has made you less effective at contributing to the future of this society, or worse still – you’ve encouraged others to follow you.

But If You Hustle, Avoid Gettin’ Rushed

Nobody likes bad news, and when an expert can’t provide a solution that meets some arbitrary timeframe, budget or the laws of fucking thermodynamics, there will be some charlatan waiting in the wings happy to promise whatever bullshit is necessary to take their money. People are happy to laugh and point how a dude falling arse-first into a cock-forest with no parachute is fucked – but when it is their arse on the line they refuse to accept the expert opinion of “lube up, mate”, and end up choosing the strategy of flapping their arms like wings while they soar away plunge to their doom.

This refusal to accept and prepare for the inevitable leads whole teams of mildly talented people wasting their time under the direction of someone who has picked the happiest scenario presented to them. The one with “we will write a module to automatically determine where transactions should be placed in a stream of random SQL commands”. While you there why don’t you write a module that fixes the domain model on the fly?

You do not get shit for free. We’ve covered this many times. Stop listening to these idiots!

Add To The Ashes, Then Pick Up The Dust

Now normally we all sit around and have a good laugh at noobs failing at business, but its come to my attention that (especially in tertiary industry) large stinking portions of effort are being wasted. This effort could be spent actually growing the global economy, which would lead to better things for everyone, perhaps including me being able to spend my twilight years in complete immersion virtual reality lesbian porn. So every time you screw up, admit your fucking mistake and learn from it. I’m fucking angry now, you don’t want to see me as a grumpy old man.

So should professionals feel guilty about taking peoples money when there’s nothing to gain? Hell no. We are performing a vital role in society – taking as much money as possible from noobs before they go and waste it on something totally irrecoverable, like chiropractors* – and indirectly reinvesting it in things that support society like breweries and prostitution.

* Fuck chiropractors. I am utterly amazed how these crackpots have convinced society that they are a legitimate medical profession. When I fucked your mum last night, I put her back out, but a misaligned spine is not the cause the diseases I caught off her.


Written by 3laws

November 25, 2009 at 7:51 am

Posted in Uncategorized

2 Responses

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  1. To quote the line from the film Caddy Shack: “The world needs ditch diggers too.”

    Thus “This effort could be spent actually growing the global economy” is moot, as the economy has already been bostered by noobs engaging in an activity. This is more than true in the public sector. Mere activity, win or loose grows the economy *somewhere*.

    Breen Whitman

    April 16, 2010 at 9:00 pm

  2. You should read about the broken window fallacy. Building a bridge to nowhere might look good on some crappy financial metrics, but if it doesnt contribute to future economic growth, then it was a waste.


    April 27, 2010 at 12:19 am

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