Getting Less Than You Expected
“Fuckin’ consultants. They always want to tear everything out and start again! Don’t they realize how much valuable code they are going to throw away? We spend millions developing this system!”
Ignorance is Bliss and You’re a Happy Motherfucker
They sure did. Like almost every client that came before them, they had spent a lot of money. Lots more than they planned to. They used a bunch of in house developers, who arrogantly claimed they had enough skill to complete a quite complex project. Two years later, there is a useless mess of code that is barely hanging together. Only one thing is holding strong, and that is the First Law of Business – you don’t magically create valuable IP from a bunch of noobs.
So then after a several year keyboard bashing marathon at bargain basements rates, you find your application does not, in fact, work. This is problematic, as you already have supply contracts, angry clients with lawyers, and big juicy penalty clauses.
Enter the Expensive Consultant, stage left. He lays out the situation and delivers his recommendation to start over, perhaps to apply some sort of design this time, and perhaps to not cock everything up by using juniors. It will take perhaps six months, rather than spending another year trying to fix the existing crap. The business delivers the rant covered in the intro.
I Damn Near Had To Smack a Ho
Fuck! If you retards didn’t try to do everything on the cheap every single goddamn time then you might have something salvageable by the time I come in. You might claim that this horseshit is ten million dollars of valuable IP, but try and spin that line to your unhappy clients, I fucking double-dare you, as they will definitely tell you to fuck off.
However the actual line that is usually delivered in absolute deadpan is: “My recommendations exist to leave you better informed in your strategic decision-making process. If you think it is more appropriate to attempt to salvage existing codebase, then I can certainly assist.” (at high rate, with no damn backsies when I GTFO).