The Three Laws of Business

No freebies. No backsies. GTFO.

The First Rule of Fail Club is

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I’m a nice guy. A top bloke. I give credit where credit is due, and I don’t mind yielding when someone else has a better plan. If you’ve done well, I’m going to let you know about it. If it’s saved me time, then I’ll probably even buy you a pint.

That said, if your shit sucks I’m going to drop the cruel hammer of reality on your fragile ego.

I Never Less Than Three’d You

I contract for a place with a problem. Everyone happily works away like little beavers, and there is little interpersonal conflict. The problem is that nobody will ever say “Hey. Your shit is fucked. Fix it”. People are being too nice. It means problems are identified and instead of hurting someone’s ego by asking them for a fix, the issue is worked around. This leads to a great big back-slapping circle-jerk bukkake session, an architectural disaster. You do not talk about Fail Club.

If your server is taking data from 10Gbps fiber link and stuffing it down a low bandwidth connection to a client, then not having rate limiting is fail. Sending “only the changes” when you are talking analogue sensors means “sending shit constantly”. Maybe I’m just “pessimistic”, or just maybe people calling themselves a “Software Engineer” should understand the fucking concept of “less-than”.

Burn the heretic!

Their biggest problem is that their previous version worked – before they had the fiber link, it was 1200cps serial. It worked back then and I’m just being pessimistic. Or, see how my crazy “less-than” theory is holding up here?

This is only the beginning of the fail. Server dropping subscriptions? Add a resubscribomatic to the client. Patch, patch, and patch again. 30% of the codebase is dedicated to working around issues in or fixing issues in other components. The look of horror on peoples faces when I say “Welp, I guess Barry is just going to have to fix the Frobulator” is hilarious. They all hate me.

Solutions? Come up with a terrible design, pass it out for review. Anyone that claims to be happy with it should be immediately fired. Encourage a productive working environment by encouraging your staff to grow a pair of goddamn balls. Problem solved.


Written by 3laws

January 19, 2009 at 3:58 am

Posted in Uncategorized

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