The Three Laws of Business

No freebies. No backsies. GTFO.

Lies, Damn Lies, and Ballistics

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Lets say there exists a component which was implemented by a monkey. It needs some major work with the Refactoring Sledgehammer to bring it up to scratch, which would take a month or so. Lets just say its hypothetically a fairly important core component too, like a feature tracker for a UAV laser targeting system.

Lets also say the management team are a bunch of noobs, who think that by claiming a “final deadline” is approaching every two weeks it will motivate their staff into finishing early.

Shut Your Lying Whore Mouth

Of course I don’t give two shits about your stupid project. If I’m told its a two week deadline, then its definitely not my job to play Detective Dick Swinger and sniff out if I really have a month to do the required changes. Also I still get paid to give you advice based on your lies – so my recommendation is going to be a dodgy band-aid fix.

After six months of this shit, you are going to have so many layers of hot-fixing its amazing anything will work. So when the feature tracker jumps to your car, lights it up, and you get a Maverick up your asshole, don’t come complaining to me. You probably shouldn’t been driving around in Palestine anyway.

Basic Addition for Dummies (and PMs)

There’s a thousand hours left, retards. Even if we do “pull together” and “give it 110%” its still going to take 900 odd hours. You suck at project management, stop playing immature little games and thinking that a little “motivation” is going to magically fix your blown out schedule.

Are you are planning on asking for my opinion on how to fix your shitty project? I’m going to be equally motivated whether the deadline is next year, or tomorrow. I don’t give a shit how much money is on the line, because I was smart enough to not invest in your stupid idea.

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Written by 3laws

January 10, 2009 at 5:07 am

Posted in Uncategorized

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