The Three Laws of Business

Facts are not my personal fucking opinion. When I quote the manual for a product we are using, or describe something that you, as a professional developer, should be aware of — such as the differences between clustered and non-clustered indexing — then you don’t have a great deal of options. You can either sit down, shut the fuck up, and learn something; or you can describe how this may not be relevant to the situation.

There is no option C: “well that’s what you think, perhaps we should try my idea anyway”. The whole point of hiring a consultant who knows what the fuck they are doing is so you can avoid the trial-and-error treadmill; and if you don’t think you can trust me, why are you paying my bills? Seriously… get someone else, we’ll both be better off. You’ll have someone who will accompany you on your wild goose chase of “performing a join client side will be faster”, and I won’t have to work for a bunch of fucking retards.

Ta-dow. How’d you like me now?

I do not turn up to work to join your internal politics. I am getting three to four times your shitty salary, and thus have already pissed higher than any line you can imagine. I am there to keep myself in fast cars, strong booze, and loose women — I am absolutely not interested, in the slightest, in carving myself out a unique smelly patch of your local flavor of fail. You can keep it.

The only reason I am trying to do my job well is so it looks nice to the next chump who hires me. You claimed I would have the resources so I can do my job in the interview process. No fucking backsies.