The Three Laws of Business

Fuck you. You’ve probably done something stupid, and refused to learn from it. You’ve probably kicked in one of the many cognitive biases to defend a stupid decision you’ve made so you feel better. This has made you less effective at contributing to the future of this society, or worse still – you’ve encouraged others to follow you.

But If You Hustle, Avoid Gettin’ Rushed

Nobody likes bad news, and when an expert can’t provide a solution that meets some arbitrary timeframe, budget or the laws of fucking thermodynamics, there will be some charlatan waiting in the wings happy to promise whatever bullshit is necessary to take their money. People are happy to laugh and point how a dude falling arse-first into a cock-forest with no parachute is fucked – but when it is their arse on the line they refuse to accept the expert opinion of “lube up, mate”, and end up choosing the strategy of flapping their arms like wings while they soar away plunge to their doom.

This refusal to accept and prepare for the inevitable leads whole teams of mildly talented people wasting their time under the direction of someone who has picked the happiest scenario presented to them. The one with “we will write a module to automatically determine where transactions should be placed in a stream of random SQL commands”. While you there why don’t you write a module that fixes the domain model on the fly?

You do not get shit for free. We’ve covered this many times. Stop listening to these idiots!

Add To The Ashes, Then Pick Up The Dust

Now normally we all sit around and have a good laugh at noobs failing at business, but its come to my attention that (especially in tertiary industry) large stinking portions of effort are being wasted. This effort could be spent actually growing the global economy, which would lead to better things for everyone, perhaps including me being able to spend my twilight years in complete immersion virtual reality lesbian porn. So every time you screw up, admit your fucking mistake and learn from it. I’m fucking angry now, you don’t want to see me as a grumpy old man.

So should professionals feel guilty about taking peoples money when there’s nothing to gain? Hell no. We are performing a vital role in society – taking as much money as possible from noobs before they go and waste it on something totally irrecoverable, like chiropractors* – and indirectly reinvesting it in things that support society like breweries and prostitution.

* Fuck chiropractors. I am utterly amazed how these crackpots have convinced society that they are a legitimate medical profession. When I fucked your mum last night, I put her back out, but a misaligned spine is not the cause the diseases I caught off her.

“Fuckin’ consultants. They always want to tear everything out and start again! Don’t they realize how much valuable code they are going to throw away? We spend millions developing this system!”

Ignorance is Bliss and You’re a Happy Motherfucker

They sure did. Like almost every client that came before them, they had spent a lot of money. Lots more than they planned to. They used a bunch of in house developers, who arrogantly claimed they had enough skill to complete a quite complex project. Two years later, there is a useless mess of code that is barely hanging together. Only one thing is holding strong, and that is the First Law of Business – you don’t magically create valuable IP from a bunch of noobs.

So then after a several year keyboard bashing marathon at bargain basements rates, you find your application does not, in fact, work. This is problematic, as you already have supply contracts, angry clients with lawyers, and big juicy penalty clauses.

Enter the Expensive Consultant, stage left. He lays out the situation and delivers his recommendation to start over, perhaps to apply some sort of design this time, and perhaps to not cock everything up by using juniors. It will take perhaps six months, rather than spending another year trying to fix the existing crap. The business delivers the rant covered in the intro.

I Damn Near Had To Smack a Ho

Fuck! If you retards didn’t try to do everything on the cheap every single goddamn time then you might have something salvageable by the time I come in. You might claim that this horseshit is ten million dollars of valuable IP, but try and spin that line to your unhappy clients, I fucking double-dare you, as they will definitely tell you to fuck off.

However the actual line that is usually delivered in absolute deadpan is: “My recommendations exist to leave you better informed in your strategic decision-making process. If you think it is more appropriate to attempt to salvage existing codebase, then I can certainly assist.” (at high rate, with no damn backsies when I GTFO).